Well, before I start, this is going to be quite the rambling. My mind is jumping everywhere and even now it’s hard to contain thoughts and feelings for a long time. Thank you mental illness for that, anyway, here it goes. Your truth seems like an easy subject and easy answers, yet something happens that rocks your whole world and judgment replaces caring, and rumors replace trust, and well you get the point because it goes on and on and on. I have had to prove a lot through the years because of course who would believe you when you say your husband was abusive; who would believe you when you are diagnosed with mental health and you say something wrong, and again the list goes on. One thing I know is what my truth is and I know I have given proof, offered ample opportunities, and more and now after yes, accidental suicide I have to be done proving myself to everyone. I have to stop concentrating on what drama is supposedly being blamed on me, I have to let go of my own insecurities and my own sense of trying to test those who say they love me and the rumors I’m told of what they all supposedly say about me. I have to let it all go and realize my truth is that, my truth. It doesn’t have to be theirs, they can go on with their lives and believe what they wish and I can’t stop them from that, and I’m here to tell you suffering from mental health and something as big as this you need to be able to focus on you. You need to concentrate on getting better, finding strength, and yes in the most parts you will have to do that alone. No one will fully understand anything you feel, think, or are going through, they will only be feeling, thinking, and trying to understand what they are going through or as I hear more and more what I put them through. If you are like me, lost, lonely, confused, in pain, hurting, and so much more I will be honest it’s a living hell. It’s going day by day with guilt being thrown at you as if you are in a stockade because now everything that goes wrong is because of what you did, when in truth mostly it was all building up and maybe this event threw it forward or maybe it was happening anyway and it just all hit at the same time. As much as you want to fix it all, prove yourself, and be there you can’t. You have to do everything you can not place everyone else’s issues on top of your own or you will be right back wherever they found you all over again. I didn’t purposely do whatever it is that I did, even toxicology reports proved that, but the more gossip, rumors, questions, comments, judgment, I get daily all day does make me wish even though accidental that I didn’t wake up. That’s why you have to concentrate on getting your shit together, concentrate on you, concentrate on everything you need to do to become stable again. If you keep concentrating on what everyone else is saying, talking about, or thinking you will drive yourself mad, I promise you because I almost got there yesterday. This isn’t some subject I’m taking lightly, accidental or not it happened and I have to fix and try to remember details where I can’t at all to this day. My depression isn’t fixed by any means, my anxiety is out the roof, my bipolar is running on a consistent up and down motion I may as well be locked into that roller coaster. Understand that I get it and I also get that it is also a lot worse for a lot of you out there and my story is not as complex or threatening, I’m just saying my story to show that none of us are alone. That we feel that way especially in these situations where the only people who can possibly understand are the ones who have been there as well. Take this time, stop trying to prove yourself, stop trying to make everyone else’s lives make sense and drop the guilt because there is no way you can heal, no way you can get better, no way you can find your path if you don’t stay true to your truth. Always remember your truth isn’t always the same as those around you. Everyone will try and make sense or justify what happened by placing things together and picking your life apart, even if you have proof it won’t matter, it really doesn’t even make a dent. So, stay true to you, work on you, and get better for you. In my case, I will be me, take care of me, get better for me and my children. I’ll have to let go of the constant trying to find out who is saying what, trying to prove things that happened, and so on. That isn’t what matters. I know my truth, now I need to find my worth and the only person who can do that is you. Sorry, so down and dreary but guess this is now the life from an accidental suicide survivor. I’ll talk more soon. I know now more than ever we all need to know there is someone out there, because otherwise, this loneliness will drive us mad and into yet another statistic. Hang on and know I’m here at least.
A.N.E 